Special moments

When the weather is cooperating, I enjoy going down to the river for my quiet times.  For the most part, I do the majority of my bible reading and studying in the comfort of my room but I find that my moments of deep solitude and prayer with the Father take on more meaning when I am out in His creation.  There is just something about being in the fresh air and wide-open spaces that make me feel nearer to Him and more focused as opposed to being surrounded by four solid plain walls.  I know He is there too in the confines of my room and I have had some wonderful times with Him there as well but I enjoy His presence when in His creation as opposed to mans.   This morning as I headed out, I found myself slightly disappointed to find that the river has submerged my beautiful bench with its rapidly moving current.  No quiet time on the river today but as I watched the flood waters rushing by trying to think of another place to go I was reminded of the summer in my apartment when the creek flooded and buried the bike trail with its depths.  After a little coercion, I talked my roommate into ‘playing’ in the floodwaters with me.  Oh my goodness!  We had so much fun that day.  I can not tell you how happy I felt in that moment frolicking about in the water like a little kid.  In those moments of traipsing through the flood waters it was as if the rest of the world had disappeared and we had somehow managed to transport ourselves to a whole new world and we were on some crazy expedition through the jungles and the swamps.  My roommate may have laughed at me a little but I know she enjoyed our little adventure J  Makes me smile and laugh just thinking about it.  But the cool thing is that I think it made God smile too.  I think He likes to watch us ‘play’ and use our imaginations and just be silly sometimes no matter how old we may be.  He created life to be enjoyed and He wants to enjoy it with us, for He is the source of joy.  You know, the other day I was painting the bathroom ceiling and I had put on some music and just asked the Lord to join me in painting….and He did.  Having finished painting the ceiling and moving on to do the walls; I stood up on the counter to reach the top of the wall and managed to knock my head on the ceiling and not only was it painful but I ended up with white paint all over my hair and as I stood there murmuring about my pain and the mess I had made of myself, I felt like I heard the Lord chuckle at me and in the midst of His chuckling, ask me if I was ok and then I couldn’t help but laugh too.  Had someone come walking in at that moment, I am sure they would have thought me crazy for standing alone in the bathroom on top of the counter with paint in my hair and holding my head seemingly laughing at myself and my pain but it was a random and unexpected special moment shared with the Lord and I have not forgotten it!  It’s an amazing thing to know that the Lord shows up when we invite Him and that He cares enough and loves us enough to want to share in every moment of our life no matter how insignificant it may seem.

This Day

We each need to discover for ourselves how to live ‘this day’ in faithful surrender to God as we continue to ‘work out our salvation with fear and trembling’ (Phil. 2:12).  "One day at a time," that’s what I keep telling myself.  I am in a place in my life where I really feel that God is asking me for my time.  It’s a very difficult thing for me to ‘be still’ for so long.  I have been home from the mission field for about four months now and still have no job or real direction for the future and yet I feel God telling me to be patient and wait on Him.  I know He is teaching me so much and that I desperately need this time with Him and I hope to continue to take inventory of what He's been saying, to process it, to study it carefully, and to allow it to transform me, but this takes time and effort and focused attention and is not accomplished without a battle.  I still feel the need to be ‘doing’ something.  I’ve done some exploring and have looked into various job possibilities and ministry opportunities and have asked the Lord for His direction each step of the way.  Some things He says no to right away while there have been other opportunities that He has let me explore further and take steps to getting involved and yet it always seems to come to an end.  This last opportunity I was exploring, I was very excited about and yet I did not have peace to pursue it further so I started asking God why and I heard Him whispering, "you’re not ready, there is more I want to do in you."  But I have so many people asking, "what are you going to do?"  "What comes next?"  "What's your plan?"  And the truth is...I simply don't know.   I don't have a plan but I find myself wanting to give them an answer, not just to satisfy their curiosity but more to make myself feel important again - to make it appear that I'm needed and wanted somewhere - that I have something to offer and then I am reminded of how easy it is, especially in this culture to establish and look for my identity and value on the basis of some defined function rather than in the God who created me for nothing less than Himself.  This world is so full of noise that claws at a person's soul seeking their attention and devotion.  I believe we are all in desperate need to hear more of His divine voice, to hear His comforting whisper that restores our sense of balance and guidance, that reaffirms our personal value in heavenly terms so that we don't need to seek value from any other source.  If God is asking me for my time and devotion and I am indeed hearing Him speak in ways that I often don’t hear when my life is busy, why would I ever want to fill my life with something that I know will begin to drown Him out?  Some may view that as being irresponsible, some may think its just plain lazy but I want to learn how to better rest in His presence, trusting Him to guide me in ‘this day,’ knowing that my life is in His hands.  My first priority in life needs to be pursuing Christ and this requires deliberate pursuit and attentiveness.  There is nothing else that really matters.  “He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked” (1 Jn. 2:6).  This is the question I am asking of the Lord, "show me what it means to walk as You walked, not according to my culture, not according to my church, not according to my upbringing or even the other believers around me, but may I learn to look only to You and Your Word, to hear Your voice as You speak directly to my heart, and to allow You by the power of Your Holy Spirit to work out Your life through me as I learn to surrender daily to You, trusting that Your grace is perfected in my weakness and though I will still fail, You continue to be God and Your calling on my life remains the same."  More on this idea later…

Celebration of Life

Today is my birthday and I thought, what better day to write my first blog post.  Twenty eight years….crazy!  What a journey I have been on.  My life thus far has been one full of adventure, beauty, intrigue, betrayal, deceptions, joys, sorrows, victories, failures, and the faint whispering in the midst of it all; an often unidentified ache within my soul, something I was born desiring and which beneath the rise and fall of all other desires, passionate moments, and times of silence; night and day, year by year, I have looked for, watched for, and listened for.  I have never had it but I continue to yearn for its complete unveiling.  All of the things that have ever possessed my soul have been but hints of it, echo’s that seem to die away as soon as they reach my ear but if it was ever to fully manifest itself, I would know in my heart, that here at last is the thing I was made for.  I am discovering that this seemingly unattainable desire, this life I so desperately long for, this deep craving that is harbored in my soul, can only be experienced as I step outside of myself; it requires a continual act of self-abandonment.  My soul has a shape like no other soul; it was created with a particularly shaped void and only the Lord Himself can fill its intricate contours.   As I give Him access to those secret chambers of my heart, that unidentified ache begins to be filled as He lifts my head to meet His gaze.  He reminds me of the promise that one day all will be restored and in Him alone will I find myself fulfilled; it was Him that I was created for and He alone gives true life.  Oh, how many times I have searched for that life elsewhere.  I stand back in wonder and humility at His unfathomable grace that continues to draw me back to Himself, His total forgiveness of all my sin, and the strength from His Holy Spirit to get back up and finish the race as His presence encompasses me.  Thank you for this life Lord, thank you for Your life.  Come back soon so we can experience perfect life!